The Zero Hour

Reviews, rants and oddities on video game and film culture.

Zombie High

The school system sucks. What good is learning half these things? I have no need for the Pythagoras therom whilst watching Mean Girls, I don’t see the point in knowing how to locate Asia on the map, it’s all going to be destroyed in 10 years by robots and Design technology? I buy my wood products, not make them, everything I make leaves me or dies. Like my garden, my wife, that cake I made last Sunday and my DVD shelf. God I loved that shelf. Where was I? Oh yeah, High school sucks, every kid in there is a mindless drone always wanting to be popular and liked and to get a girlfriend and eat pizza together or whatever it is students do these days…also, what’s a Justin Timberlake? So it’s rather fitting that this weeks game is about mindless drones in High School, let’s play Zombie High.

Released on the Sega Mega Dri…it WASN’T released? Guess there’s no point reviewing it then…

Ok, ok…so the game starts up with…the hell? It just starts, no crappy little freeze frame to introduce us to why there are zombies in my school? Or why our main character is holding a gun that shoots goo (maybe its gun-ge, hurr hurr). Did he just walk into school and go “Huh, the place has been taken over by zombies. Good thing I just happened to bring my goo gun today”? And another thing, are these zombies? Or goo monsters? There’s an awful lot of ectoplasm in this game, more than the stuff that comes out of my boils [Really? Did you really need to add that?– ED] and it just feels kind of stupid when you’re firing goo at zombies made mostly of the same stuff. How are they being brought back to life by the stuff that’s killing them? And how are they being teleported into the school? Oh god my brain hurts from the lack of sense this is making. There’s even weird pulsating sound effects whenever something happens that just sound weird and wrong and it’s not like the music makes it bearable because there is no music.

So your character is armed only with this goo gun and that’s about it, its 5 lives, get to the end of the level, I think there was supposed to be a point system but it never got implemented. And why can’t I go into these classrooms? So anyway, you go through the level, having to use 2D Platfo….oh for fucks sake. That’s it, I’ve had enough of this,  I’m done, we’re finished professionally. [Oh bollocks, quick distract the readers – ED]

Ok, so they’ve tethered me to a chair to make sure I actually finish this episode, so…you blaze through goo, zombies, hindered by the games terrible jumping mechanics and more luck based timings to get to the end of the level and you’re confronted with what I guess is a boss, it’s 4…I assume they’re teachers, but I actually have no idea and they throw pencils at you. Honest to god, carbon HB pencils, it’s a bit like the Hammer Bros. in Super Mario Bros. except bigger and hard to avoid and kill you very quickly. Oh and when you die, you literally decompose on the spot. Everything prior to this flashed KIDS GAME! At me. Now this, I’ve no idea what? It’s too juvenile for teenagers, too…graphic and scaring for kids, so…who’s it aimed at? Maybe Sega didn’t know and that’s why it was shelved. And I’m glad it was. This game suuuuuuuuuuucccckkksssss. It doesn’t make sense, the jumping mechanics are awful and there’s no music, nor opening. I can’t blame it for that though, as it was technically unfinished. Of course, it’s not like you can buy it, so go play Zombies Ate My Neighbours or something.

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