Kids love cartoons. We all know this. Whilst they’re sitting down to watch happy go lucky animated sitcoms such as Hannah Montana: Ultimate Force or whatever it is kids watch these days, we, as sensible adults look at the same shows they’re currently obsessing over with their colourful characters, snappy dialogue and well animated fight sequences and simply utter once phrase;
“Cartoons were better when I was a kid” No. They weren’t, you’re blinded by nostalgia, shut up. Modern cartoons are just as good, it’s just you’re not a kid anymore, so they don’t aim their cartoons at you. The irony of that statement is how I’m constantly saying games were better in the old days, even movie tie-ins, no seriously, we had Super Star Wars, Goldeneye, Superman 64…oh wait, scratch that last one. In fact have I even made that point in the past 13 weeks of articles? Huh. I don’t even know what I like anymore…He-Man’s kind of cool, I guess.
Anyway, before I became a Alco…Klepto…Necro…Misog…Well-endowed member of society, I was a care free child. Here’s a picture of a kid who looks like me, but isn’t me to prove it…except his mother wouldn’t let me put it on the internet because she’s a bitch. I forgot where I was going with this…Oh right. So as a child in the 90’s, I watched cartoons. Unfortunately because Britain is really bad at traditional animation, most of the main draws were from American cartoons, one of which was Rugrats. Now I’m no expert, but I’m sure calling a baby a rugrat is possibly the most offensive thing you can do, you’re effectively comparing someones pride and joy to vermin. To prove it, I went up to 5 women with babies and called their kids rug rats. I now have a restraining order.
Rugrats is about a bunch of babies who can talk to each other for some reason, each one is loaded with a fairly irritating voice and are all obsessed with a stupid Godzilla rip-off called Reptar, or Barbie rip-off Cindy…And who says there are no original ideas….Anyway, they all have fairly useless parents and get into wacky shenanigans each week. And of course, because it’s a popular international TV show, someone made a video game out of it…actually they made several, but we’re going to focus on Rugrats: Castle Capers on the Game Boy Advance.
The game starts off with…I actually have no idea, Stu and the granddad talk about something whilst my ears bled to the ridiculously painful main theme in the background. Stu gets granddad to look after the kids when…OOP, he falls asleep! Magic…or something happens and Angelica, who’s Rugrats equivalent of that really annoying kid who thinks she’s better than everyone) has done something, it’s not really explained, what but the babies are in a fantasy world…or a dream…oh god, not dreams again!
NO! NO MORE INDULGANT CHRISTOPHER NOLAN BOLLOCKS, YOU’RE NOT AS CLEVER AS YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU DOLT!
So the game has you going through different themed stages…collecting…things. Now. Whilst…I’m not even going to say it this week because I’m sick of this damn genre, and before you go, “Why do you play platformers all the time if you hate them so much” The answer is because I pick random games off the shelf with boxart that infuriates me or gazes my curiosity. This was the former. Anyway, so you collect items, climb platforms…read my review on just about any game ever to get the idea. What do the various lollies, pacifiers (or whatever they’re called) or building blocks, etc do? Nothing. Theres no purpose in collecting them over than getting a better score and to be honest, what’s the point? It doesn’t make a difference to anything, there’s also bananas, cheese and other stuff that can be used as projectile weapons, but they don’t do anything, what’s the point… you know I give up. Health is represented by Nappies or diapers to you Americans and you have 25 of them, which basically means when your character is hit by an enemy, falls in the water, etc, they void their bowels….nice. This wouldn’t be so bad, if it wasn’t for instant respawn. Now instant respawn is fantastic, unless you’ve fallen into some icy water, before you’ve even noticed you died, you’re back on the land and the chances are you’ll do it again and again.
The characters are the standard kids from the TV show, you’ve got Tommy, Chucky, Phil, Phils twin brother, baby Tommy (wait…) and Kimi…wait, who the f***’s Kimi? She wasn’t in the show? I mean look at the trailer for the movie…WAIT, THEY MADE A MOVIE?
Anyway, apart from showing just how fucking useless those parents are, where’s Kimi? My point exactly. Plus if the Rugrats are meant to be babies, how come Tommy still looks only just 10 months old before the other baby Tommy is born?
But back to the game, which doesn’t make any sense. Why are they in a castle land? Why is the spoiled brat the villain? Why are they in all these fantasy lands that are
clearly unsuitable for a baby? Why is this guy wearing bread on his head?
I don’t know what’s going on…and then there’s the music, which is repetitive and annoying and even butchers classical pieces like the baby elephant walk or…ok, I turned the volume off very quickly and played my own music. The game takes on a very different take when Slayer’s in the background…
Rugrats Castle Capers is an awful game, the story, if there even is one, I’m not entirely sure, is terrible with stupid “baby” dialogue that make the script to The Room seem like a deep philosophical journey. The characters are well animated to the point where they still keeping moving after you let go off the move button, the music makes me hate audio in general and I’m so angry, I forgot what I’m complaining about! **** CHRISTOPHER NOLAN! **** INCEPTION! **** THIS GUY! AND GOODNIGHT!