The Zero Hour

Reviews, rants and oddities on video game and film culture.

Monthly Archives: March 2011

Rugrats Castle Capers



Kids love cartoons. We all know this. Whilst they’re sitting down to watch happy go lucky animated sitcoms such as Hannah Montana: Ultimate Force or whatever it is kids watch these days, we, as sensible adults look at the same shows they’re currently obsessing over with their colourful characters, snappy dialogue and well animated fight sequences and simply utter once phrase;
“Cartoons were better when I was a kid” No. They weren’t, you’re blinded by nostalgia, shut up. Modern cartoons are just as good, it’s just you’re not a kid anymore, so they don’t aim their cartoons at you. The irony of that statement is how I’m constantly saying games were better in the old days, even movie tie-ins, no seriously, we had Super Star Wars, Goldeneye, Superman 64…oh wait, scratch that last one. In fact have I even made that point in the past 13 weeks of articles? Huh.  I don’t even know what I like anymore…He-Man’s kind of cool, I guess.

Anyway, before I became a AlcoKleptoNecroMisog…Well-endowed member of society, I was a care free child. Here’s a picture of a kid who looks like me, but isn’t me to prove it…except his mother wouldn’t let me put it on the internet because she’s a bitch. I forgot where I was going with this…Oh right. So as a child in the 90’s, I watched cartoons. Unfortunately because Britain is really bad at traditional animation, most of the main draws were from American cartoons, one of which was Rugrats. Now I’m no expert, but I’m sure calling a baby a rugrat is possibly the most offensive thing you can do, you’re effectively comparing someones pride and joy to vermin. To prove it, I went up to 5 women with babies and called their kids rug rats. I now have a restraining order.

Rugrats is about a bunch of babies who can talk to each other for some reason, each one is loaded with a fairly irritating voice and are all obsessed with a stupid Godzilla rip-off called Reptar, or Barbie rip-off Cindy…And who says there are no original ideas….Anyway, they all have fairly useless parents and get into wacky shenanigans each week. And of course, because it’s a popular international TV show, someone made a video game out of it…actually they made several, but we’re going to focus on Rugrats: Castle Capers on the Game Boy Advance.

The game starts off with…I actually have no idea, Stu and the granddad talk about something whilst my ears bled to the ridiculously painful main theme in the background. Stu gets granddad to look after the kids when…OOP, he falls asleep! Magic…or something happens and Angelica, who’s Rugrats equivalent of that really annoying kid who thinks she’s better than everyone) has done something, it’s not really explained, what but the babies are in a fantasy world…or a dream…oh god, not dreams again!

NO! NO MORE INDULGANT CHRISTOPHER NOLAN BOLLOCKS, YOU’RE NOT AS CLEVER AS YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU DOLT!

So the game has you going through different themed stages…collecting…things. Now. Whilst…I’m not even going to say it this week because I’m sick of this damn genre, and before you go, “Why do you play platformers all the time if you hate them so much” The answer is because I pick random games off the shelf with boxart that infuriates me or gazes my curiosity. This was the former. Anyway, so you collect items, climb platforms…read my review on just about any game ever to get the idea. What do the various lollies, pacifiers (or whatever they’re called) or building blocks, etc do? Nothing. Theres no purpose in collecting them over than getting a better score and to be honest, what’s the point? It doesn’t make a difference to anything, there’s also bananas, cheese and other stuff that can be used as projectile weapons, but they don’t do anything, what’s the point… you know I give up. Health is represented by Nappies or diapers to you Americans and you have 25 of them, which basically means when your character is hit by an enemy, falls in the water, etc, they void their bowels….nice. This wouldn’t be so bad, if it wasn’t for instant respawn. Now instant respawn is fantastic, unless you’ve fallen into some icy water, before you’ve even noticed you died, you’re back on the land and the chances are you’ll do it again and again.

The characters are the standard kids from the TV show, you’ve got Tommy, Chucky, Phil, Phils twin brother, baby Tommy (wait…) and Kimi…wait, who the f***’s Kimi? She wasn’t in the show? I mean look at the trailer for the movie…WAIT, THEY MADE A MOVIE?



Anyway, apart from showing just how fucking useless those parents are, where’s Kimi? My point exactly. Plus if the Rugrats are meant to be babies, how come Tommy still looks only just 10 months old before the other baby Tommy is born?

But back to the game, which doesn’t make any sense. Why are they in a castle land? Why is the spoiled brat the villain? Why are they in all these fantasy lands that are
clearly unsuitable for a baby? Why is this guy wearing bread on his head?

I don’t know what’s going on…and then there’s the music, which is repetitive and annoying and even butchers classical pieces like the baby elephant walk or…ok, I turned the volume off very quickly and played my own music. The game takes on a very different take when Slayer’s in the background…

Rugrats Castle Capers is an awful game, the story, if there even is one, I’m not entirely sure, is terrible with stupid “baby” dialogue that make the script to The Room seem like a deep philosophical journey. The characters are well animated to the point where they still keeping moving after you let go off the move button, the music makes me hate audio in general and I’m so angry, I forgot what I’m complaining about! **** CHRISTOPHER NOLAN! **** INCEPTION! **** THIS GUY! AND GOODNIGHT!

3DS – Thumbs On Review

So after a year of rumours and speculation, hype and a bit of trepidation, the 3DS is finally on our shores and there’s a lot of hype riding on it, so is it worth it? Yes it is. Now, before I go any further, everything Nintendo has said in its advertising campaigns is true, it has to be seen to believed and if you’re still sceptical after reading this, go find someone who has one and ask for a go, what Nintendo have given us is just almost too much to comprehend and in such a reasonable price. Consider everything it can do; 3 dimensional gaming (with high graphical capabilities that of a Wii, maybe even Xbox 360), video and mp3 playback, 3 cameras, 2 with the ability to take 3D photos and backwards compatibility. If this was a home console, that’d be upwards for £400, plus the need for a 3D TV, setting you back even more. But it’s here, in your hands right now for less than £200.

and then that’s not even the full range, with its Street Pass functionality and downloads that are being launched in May, such as the Virtual Console service, which for those not familiar with the Wii’s similar offering, allows you for a small price to download classic Nintendo games from previous consoles. This one’s going to be more focused on the handheld side, from the classic Game Boy ranges, Link’s Awakening and Super Mario Land (the latter being the first ever game I played) being the torchbearers. We’ve also got Game Gear and TurboGrafx 16 games as well. I’m hoping this spills into GBA territory in the future, allowing people to experience Golden Sun, Zelda: The Minish Cap and if the Wii’s VC’s Hanabi festival is anything to go by, the Mother series translated, perhaps?

But enough wishful thinking and more wish fulfilment, as the darn console sits right in front of me as I type. The first most obvious thing is to point that, yes, the 3D does work. Does it take a while to get used to? Not really. I found that after a brief few seconds of…and I can think of no other way to put this, saying “woah” like Keanu Reeves, you really take in what you’re seeing and it feels so incredible and indescribable that “woah” is pretty much a spot on description.  There are a few little bits that are slightly off putting, you have to stand pretty still for the 3D to work , there’s a “sweet spot” that’s different for everyone that makes all the difference to your viewing. Of course, this is all based on the 3D Slider being on full intensity, switch it down for a more subtle and diluted 3D effect. Or you could just turn it off, but that’s a bit boring.


Size wise, it’s not dis-similar to the DS lite, and a bit smaller than the chunky DS.  I apologise for the messy desk.

One of the first things you’re asked to do once turned on, after taking in the pretty ambient music, is create a profile and date, this is very similar to the original DS’ software, except now you get asked about online from the get go, rather than on a game by game basis, clearly, this is Nintendo taking into account the hassle of the previous generations faffing about with friend codes and connections. Interestingly, you’re encouraged not to use your actual name, which seems weird to me, but I reckon this is for anonymity on Streetpass or online gaming, because Nintendo are aware that kids play these games consoles (why else would there be a parental control option?)

Being the tight student I am however has affected my purchase and this analysis somewhat in that I can’t afford any games. Well, I could, I just won’t be eating for the next few weeks, so I decided it would be a good opportunity, not only to test out the software that comes with the console, but it’s backwards compatibility. First off, they’ve brought back the Mii’s from the Wii system, having created an avatar for myself on both that and the Xbox 360, I found myself not exactly keen to make a 3rd one, but was quickly won over by the fact it’s thankfully not just a copy and paste of the Wii’s version, there’s more options and the touch screen controls work phenomenally well in the programs favour, whilst on the Wii you could spend a good 10 minutes waving your remote trying to get it right, here I created my Mii in about 2 minutes, you can’t delete your personal Mii though, which could be a bit disappointing if you only wanted to use novelty Miis, but then the thought of you having a chin-wag with Hitler, Chuck Norris and Peter Griffin (people HAVE made these already) is delightfully surreal and hilarious.

I checked out Face Raiders next, which let’s face it, is up there with Katamari Democracy in terms of absolutely weirdness. First of all, you take a picture of your face, and then you play a game where that face has been placed in Super Mario’s Propeller hat and is attacking you with kisses. This means you have to fight back by throwing bright yellow balls and moving the screen (the games background is based on whatever your 3D cameras are pointing at). There are some really neat 3D effects like them blowing a whole in your wall and the faces coming at you and snogging you. After a couple of minutes, you then fight the ultimate Samurai final boss, eg, you in a Samurai helmet, which reminded me a bit of Starfox (I kept expecting Slippy to go “Enemy shield analysed”) and has me craving the upcoming Lylat Wars remake. It’s utterly barmy and very Japanese, but it’s perfect introduction to the capabilities of the 3DS. Following this, I checked out the 3D camera, which I think I may need to spend some more time with, as I could never take the photos and make them look good in 3D because I could never find the right angle to look at it in, however, there’s a nice little tutorial hosted by a parrot, which is very handy, it’s not for budding photographers, just a bit of fun. Oh and there’s a face smasher option where you can create a chimera of 2 people’s faces, sort of like “If these two had a kid, it would look like this” I haven’t tried it yet, but it sounds delightfully twisted. I may take a picture of my flatmate and a panda and see what happens.

Now, whilst using the slide pad and the buttons to navigate the menus is all fine, to really test out the capabilities of the controls and the button and the consoles backwards compatibility, I popped in my copy of Pokémon Black. Now, this is where the difference between the consoles show. Graphically, the game looked a bit more dull with the edges cut off, now Pokémon Black still had pixilation problems on the old DS and here it just makes it more apparent, it’s still fine to look at and play and the Slide pad works wonders for movement and feels really smooth to use, it’s not perfect analogue control though and is very reminiscent of the PSP’s nub, except less awkwardly placed. On the subject of which, below it is the classic Nintendo D-Pad that surprisingly doesn’t feel as uncomfortable as I thought it would, although some people are going to have problems with it, so it’s probably best to stick with the slide-pad. Also, the buttons don’t feel as responsive as they have on the DS, I miss the deep reassuring click that it offered on the shoulder buttons and the home/start/select buttons at the bottom need to be really pressed down to work, but these are such small problems that in about a month after getting used to it, I’m sure it’ll feel natural. Finally, very impressed by the speakers, they go VERY loud when they need to, I haven’t tested out the music playback yet and I imagine there are music junkies who’ll disagree with this, but I found the audio to be pretty high quality and superb…I can only imagine how good Ocarina Of Time’s audio will be in a few months…

So even with all the augmented reality cards, the street pass, the aforementioned music playback and some actual 3D games that I’ve yet to try out, already the 3DS is worth the £190 odd I paid. Even though the launch line-up is missing that killer launch title, Nintendo have taken a huge risk launching, what is a risky console anyway, on its name alone and I think that it’s definitely paid off. The 3D is fantastic, it looks gorgeous, the built in software is exciting in itself at the potential of just what the console can do and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I wrote a post a few days ago about how it’s wrong that pre-launch it was being compared to the Virtual Boy, well those comparisons have effectively been fired at with big yellow balls and destroyed, the 3DS is a fantastic piece of tech and if you’re reading this in the UK. Go out and treat yourself, if you’re reading this in America, I hope this has you salivating for glasses-less 3D. The future’s here and it’s copyrighted Nintendo.

EDIT: I’ve found the Mii QR code snagging technique, want some Alexiswylie goodness on your 3DS? Of course you do.

Ronald McDonald’s Treasure Island Adventure

I love McDonalds, I love everything about it, the burgers, the fries, the staff who spit in my food because they never give me the correct order, saying I’m too old for my order, and the free toy in my order. Especially the toy, I like that part. The thing is, McDonalds food doesn’t like me, neither does Melissa of the Wakefield branch of Asda, but that’s another story. McDonalds has this big global empire, a bit like the one in Star Wars, as shown by this picture;

Being an all evil totalitarian regime…I mean business, they have this whole big marketing campaign to get kids into their restaurants and eat their food. They do this through appealing to kids using toys and cartoon characters…because a big scary clown and a burger with a top hat is way cooler than Mickey Mouse, Scrooge McDuck and McLovin’ the crime dog and who the **** cares about Nerf guns when you can get a plastic toy of a character from the latest Dreamworks movie?

Anyway, in the early 90’s, as big global galactic empires like McDonalds noticed the popularity of video games and more to the point, they spotted that kids were sitting inside and getting fat instead of going out and eating at their restaurants and getting fat, so they decided to make video games and oh boy, did that work out for them.

Ronald McDonalds Treasure Land Adventure IN SPACE!!!, which is impossible to say after you’ve had a few beers at your non-existent party and attempted to take a whizz on the neighbours cat. Of course, the people who play this game shouldn’t be drinking, so it really shouldn’t matter… so the game was released on the Sega Mega Drive in 1992 and is to put simply, a complete mess. Developed by Treasure, the company that would later go on to actually make good games like Mischief Makers, Sin And Punishment and Ikaruga, the game is…yep, you guessed it, a side scrolling platformer…

The game starts with Ronald McDonald wandering round a forest and finding a treasure map. Immediately I’m confused. Why is a clown in a forest? At what point did he go, “I fancy a jaunt in the woods, I’ll just set off WITH MY CLOWN MAKE-UP ON” WHY DOES ANYONE THINK A CLOWN IN A FOREST IS A GOOD IDEA???

Also, he immediately assumes the piece of paper is a treasure map. It’s just a map, it could be anything, it could have been tourists snapped up by the blair witch. THIS MAKES NO SENSE! So Ronald suddenly gets a 6th sense that 3 others have the other ¾ of the map and are hunting for the treasure themselves, so he decides to go after it…I haven’t even begun the game and I’m tired of it already, I don’t care if Ronald McDonald wants to get treasure, he doesn’t even need it, he’s probably super rich from his line of Death Star restaurants, it’s just him mocking you that you’ll never have that wealth.

I suppose now’s a good time to actually start playing the game…and that said, when I booted up the first level, I thought I was playing a hacked copy of Sonic The Hedgehog. Here’s a video to illustrate my point.

As with every other side scrolling platformer, the aim is to get to the ending of the level without dying, and this is the first problem. Ronald Mc Donald can’t jump. Sure he looks like he’s jumping, but the physics feel off and you never feel like you’re jumping far enough and he walks really strangely…and because of that the music just doesn’t sync up. You’re probably all thinking, oh wow, big deal, but it’s important. Think about how perfect the music worked with Super Mario Bros and how every note synced with its sound effects, it’s the same with Sonic, but it just doesn’t work here, the music is both incredibly annoying and completely wrong for the game. I could shove Napalm Death or even worse some Hansen over the top and it would fit better than this. NO, I WILL NOT DO AN EXAMPLE. Now the game has you collecting rings and jewels that both extend your life bar or give you points. Wait. A platformer. Collecting rings and jewels. I’ve seen this before in a platforming game. Why’d this game rip off Cheetahmen?

“Hang on” I hear you cry “Are they enemies?” Why yes there are. And I wish to god there wasn’t. Unlike Earthworm Jim 3D, the enemies in this game are actually fairly well designed, of course they make no ****ing sense and I have no idea what they’re supposed to be. Except the gnome. I like gnomes. Oh and they all take away 2 pieces of health. Put into perspective, you only start with 3 bits of health and if you have no idea how to get more, you’re basically screwed right at the start, it makes no sense, WHY 2 bits of health, surely IN A KIDS GAME, they’d make it at least a bit easier to not die and then there’s the game over screen, which just feels like forever before you can continue, in the time it took for the words to appear and Ronald McDonald to get up and go to the continue door, I could watch Avatar, take it back to the DVD store and complain that it sucks and I want my money back, sue them unsuccessfully and come back to the game to find it’s still got 10 seconds before the game takes you back to the title screen…and I live a hundred miles from a DVD store.


Treasure? On The Moon? Are you ****ing high?

Of course, it’d be be stupid to have enemies and not be able to kill them and it’s all fine because Ronald McDonald defeats them using magic…yeah. I have no idea either how that works. He’s supposed to be a happy clown, using his magic for good, I at least expected him to turn them into burgers…oh wait, that’d give kids the impression that they’re eating gnomes, when they gulp down their Big Macs…and extra fries…with a McFlurry and an apple pie…and a Milkshake…I have to go.

 

That was sustaining, what was I doing again? OH GOD, NOT THIS SHITTY GAME.  So anyway, Ronald McDonald uses magic to defeat people for god knows why and you can upgrade it by collecting certain items which are scattered throughout the levels. The game also gives you a grapple technique in the form of tied handkerchiefs that at least proves that Ronald McDonald actually did some clowning before attending business school and graduating and forming an evil empire out of a shattered republic which he himself destroyed by using both sides as pawns in a story arc that took 3 shitty movies. But the problem with this technique is grappling onto a ledge above is a huge gamble, do it blindly and there’s a good chance an enemy is above you. That’s 2 pieces of health gone.

So that’s McDonalds Treasure Island…or Island Adventure…or whatever. It’s  a bad platformer with a horrible soundtrack and terrible jump physics, it doesn’t make much sense and it throws logic out the window with a catapult. The levels are so bright and colourful that I want to puke rainbows. Or more grey rainbows. IT MAKES ME WANT TO HURL! I guess as a game for kids, it’s not too bad, but kids would buy anything if the advertising is flashy enough regardless of it’s crappiness. I mean, there can’t be any other reason why people still buy Meccano, right?

3DS/Virtual Boy comparisons stop HERE!

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say the 3DS is pretty exciting and considering us in the west are less than a week away from launch, that fever is pretty much at its peak. Now whilst the majority of the world have been looking forward to handheld glasses-less 3D, there are a few nay-sayers around. Having been a Nintendo fanboy for the best part of my life, I know which battles to pick when it comes to defending their decisions and raving about certain games. I will admit that the launch titles for the 3DS are quite lacklustre, no Mario game, no Zelda, there’s arguably no “killer app” (Street Fighter doesn’t count, as it’s a 3rd party game). But it’s clearly a testament to how Nintendo works now a days, that they can sell a console on name brand alone, which is a very bold move, especially when that console is a bold move in itself. Of course, inevitably, I’ve heard a few comments from people who are comparing the 3DS to another console…one that Nintendo seemed to want to forget about…yeah, it’s the Virtual Boy.

And that’s why I’m writing this, because people keep making that comparison and it baffles me. The 3DS already is more successful than the Virtual Boy, it’s already impossible for it to flop at this stage (obviously, I can’t speak for a year down the line). Why? Well, simple reasons really. The 3DS is already selling remarkably well in Japan, having (at the time of writing) been Number 1 on the hardware charts, with sales of double that of its competitors. Ahead of its UK release on Friday, it’s already the most pre-ordered games console on Amazon, with 20% more than the PS3 had, plus combined with midnight launches, events to gain hype that have all been positive, the console can’t really fail over the next couple of weeks.

Now, one of the main problems that the Virtual Boy had was how it gave people headaches as they played. Now Nintendo haven’t denied that it’s a possibility with the 3DS, but they’ve given out safety warnings, they’ve shown disclaimers and given recommendations for how long you should be playing, so pretty much anyone complaining about being ill or whatever, I hate to put it so bluntly, but it’s your own fault. Of course, inevitably someone will sue them anyway…

Now, I’m not really a social gamer, I play online every so often and against my friends in split screen, but most of the time, I prefer to play games on my own, but the virtual boy made that even more of a problem and pretty much cut you off from the world completely with it’s really big head-set, which surely must have contributed to its failure. The 3DS, naturally, being a handheld console that you can play on the bus doesn’t do that, and whilst the 3D probably isn’t as good, at least Nintendo were nice enough to give you the option to TURN IT OFF. Which pretty much is the crux of my argument, most people’s problems with the 3DS are getting headaches, the 3D not working for them, or something related to the 3D aspect of it and ultimately, it can just be fixed by simply turning it off. Yes, so you lose its central gimmick, but you still get to play some fantastic games, with fantastic graphics on a fantastic console that offers so much more than the illusion of something sticking out the screen, it’s like bashing the Wii simply on its motion controls (which despite Sony and Microsoft adopting, people still do!), it’s not the hardware that makes a console popular or well-loved, it’s the software. I still play SNES and Nintendo 64 games, nearly 20 years after their innovation has past and been accepted, why? Not because I love Mode 7 or polygonal open spaces, but because the games are brilliant. And the 3DS, WILL have that. Super Mario 3DS is in development, as is a Paper Mario game, Zelda: OoT and Lylat Wars remakes, a Pokémon game is being made, and Street Fighter IV will be out at launch. Virtual Boy had…Mario Clash? Can you name any other killer games for it? I thought not.

Basically, stop comparing the 3DS to the Virtual Boy, it’s already so much better.

Home Alone 2


Home Alone was a good film, it contained some funny moments, some reasonably good child acting and people falling over, which also is pretty much 95% of youtube content. Plus it had a script brought to life by John Holmes, the guy who wrote my personal favourite movie, you must have heard of it, it’s the one with the kid who bunks off school…I think it was called Flubber. Anyway, rule of movie making decrees that any sequel to anything must suck. This includes, but not limited to;

Jaws 2
Highlander: The Source
Star Wars Episode 2: Attack Of The Clones
The Matrix Reloaded
Batman & Robin
Transformers 2: The Revenge Of The Fallen
Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of The Clones
2 Fast 2 Furious
Cinderella 2
The Neverending Story 2
Final Destination 2
Star Trek 3: The Search For Spock
Troll 2
Free Willy 3
Lady Dragon 2
Star Wars Episode 2: Attack Of The Clones

So basically, sequels suck. Everyone knows the only good film sequel is The Neverending Story 3…Ok, I take it back.

So is Home Alone 2 a good sequel to Home Alone 1? Well, considering I’ve not seen it, because I live in a darkened room that’s permanently locked, filled with rats that might have mutated…where was I going with this, oh right, Let’s ask someone who might know more about movies wether Home Alone 2 is a good movie.

Should I at least watch it before attempting this week’s review of its game adaptation?

Ok…do you want me to put on a pizza or something?

Glad we’ve got that sorted…anyway.

Home Alone 2 is…yep, it’s a platformer, yes, I’m as tired of the damn things as you, but we’re here now aren’t we…don’t you hover that X in the corner…So as we’ve established, Home Alone 2 is the sequel to both the movie and the game of the same name. Whilst before Macalay, Maucaly, Pauly Malcun. WHATEVER! Was stuck at home whilst his bad parents went off on holiday without him and he had to fend off 2 evil crooks intent on stealing stuff from his rich family with hilarious shenanigans and booby traps, this one see’s him lost in New York. Why? Honest to god, I have no idea…

The game starts off with the likeness of Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci…the latter who’s becoming a regular feature in this after his likeness appeared in Moonwalker a few weeks back…for an Oscar winner, he doesn’t half put his name on a lot of crap…anyway, so they call up a New York hotel to tell them to stop Kevin McCallister being a pest. Whilst this probably has some connection to the movie, it makes no sense in context here. And this is the first problem with this game. I don’t care about system limitations, if a game’s story is based on a movie narrative, they should AT LEAST try to explain to the story to those who pick up the game and aren’t familiar with the source material. Also, I don’t have a fucking manual for this and I expect it to be ON THE SCREEN!

So anyway, we then take control of Kevin, who looks absolutely nothing like the character he’s based on (Good job developers) as he wanders around a hotel and low and behold, the game takes on “everything trying to kill you mode” which I’ve seen in various other games, but not to this degree. You get hurt by, wait for it, suitcases and mops and if you have the unfortunate pleasure of being shaken by morbidly obese men, waiters, maids or unruly hotel staff, you die instantly. Oh and you’ll also meet an unfortunate demise being sucked under a vaccum cleaner, something, which usually I’d claim to be a physical impossibility, but in a game where getting slightly dizzy kills you, logic clearly doesn’t live here anymore.

Thankfully, that’s not the only thing here that’s as broken as my family after my mother announced she had another husband and kids, the controls are flawed too. Macalay, Mac and Cheese. KEVIN does this skid attack if you press down whilst moving. Sometimes it damages enemies, sometimes it doesn’t, it’s random. And it’s almost guaranteed to get you hurt. Next there’s the opening doors, throughout the game, you’ll find yourself wanting to get into the little shops to get the fun novelty weapons, but NO. It won’t register the Up button and the worst part, every time you need to press the Up buttom, it’s almost certain that a one hit kill enemy, like Mr fatso, or the Vaccum of doom is nearby, causing you be killed instantly.

The games structure is massively flawed as well, in the first level, you have to navigate the way from left to right. Once you get to the end. BAM dead end and someone off screen throws suitcases at you and you have to call the lift, which is given no prior indication to do so. You get points for pressing the button, which is weird, but I’m getting 100 points per keystroke here, so I currently have a bigger high score than that brat off The Wizard. Anyway, so eventually he gets in the lift and goes…to another floor. Run from left to right and you hit a dead end and have to go back from that to the lift that reaches to ANOTHER FLOOR where you have to run from left to right, hit a dead end and backtrack. And following that…Super Mario, Michael Jackson and Sonic The Hedgehog beat the crap out of Kevin for wasting my time. No seriously, I have photographic evidence proving it.

I mentioned novelty weapons. There’s an air gun and a gun that fires a boxing glove that kills people. Yeah, you, as a kid, become a psychotic killer who destroys old ladies and suitcases…apparently. I’m sure they get better. Or maybe they don’t. Either way, I don’t care, my pizzas done.

To be honest, and this does just sound like shit reviewing, but I didn’t play this game as much as I could have, why? Because it infuriated me beyond belief, if I played it anymore, I’d have to buy a new TV, and you know what, I like my TV, it’s LCD, HD ready…why am I advertising my TV? I’m now expecting a god-damn burgulary and I’ve got to partake in some sort of shenanigan to stop them…wait, that sounds like something out of Home Alone! It’s how I trap my victims on Halloween anyway…  I can see the appeal of a Home Alone game that would be similar to Neighbours From Hell, where you have to set up traps for potential Joe Pesci’s, but that’s not what this is,  it’s just the most awful thing I’ve played in a very long while. The controls hardly work, the graphics are awful, the characters unrecognisable, the enemies are rubbish and it’s generally almost unplayable. I moaned about movie tie-ins with Aladdin, but that game is Super Mario Bros. 3 compared to this.  It’s literally Home Alone in name only and they really just shouldn’t have bothered at all. Now where’s my pizza and hot sauce?

Who wants a slice? If you all head into the basement, I’ve got a movie about to start. It’s my favourite movie, the one with the gangsters and Marlon Brando, I think it’s called Alvin And The Chipmunks The Squequal, which reminds me. I hate Attack Of The Clones.

NO! WAIT! I’M STILL NOT DONE! ALL OF THESE PROBLEMS ARE FROM THE FIRST LEVEL! IMAGINE THE REST OF THE GAME! AND I HAVEN’T EVEN TOUCHED ON THE MUSIC YET. THE SNES REMIX OF THE THEMES FROM THE FILM ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE. “Oh but that’s due to having to compress it to a lower quality midi file” WRONG! Movies scores can be translated into chiptunes or MIDI files. I mean, look at Star Wars!

The Pokémon TV theme!

Hell, even fucking Taylor Swift sounds good in chiptune!

There is literally no excuse for this game to be as bad as it is and I hope to god whatever game those people who give me games gives me…wait…yeah….next time is good. So no platformers, no movie tie ins and no god damn Batmen….actually that last one was in regards to my last costume party…which ended badly…I think I’m due in court for that next week…so…