The Zero Hour

Reviews, rants and oddities on video game and film culture.

Monthly Archives: December 2010

N Dubz – Girls

Niiiiiiiiiii
Girlssssss, I fuck with themmmm

Pretty sure the first two lines there are the sound Chevy Chase uses when he putts a ball in Caddyshack. Also, regarding their acquaintances with girls, all I can say is good for you, why you need to advertise this fact is beyond me, but I’m sure we’ll go into more detail.

I don’t usually fall in love with them,
But yu should be prescribed to me,
Some chicks are drugs to men

It’s called sex addiction, you might want to see someone about that…


A lot deserve the finer things in life
And I think yuur one of them
Money ain’t shit got loads to blow, show me a signal.

Can I have some?

Let me know, if yu wanna have a better life then baby yu no where to go
Its coming i quick, it ain’t flowing in slow

So that’s a no then…back to the point, I have no idea what the hell this means, “It’s coming in quick, it ain’t flowing in slow” I’m going to have a guess that it’s a bad line about intercourse.

Like I said let me know, if weezy made it rain,
Then I can make it snow

Who’s weezy? What does this even..?

Girlssssss, Im loving them,

Line 4: “I don’t usually fall in love with them” Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to contradiction corner!

But I won’t let them get the best of me
Girlssss, Im loving them,
I get them all around the world
What would I do without yu,
What would yu do without me,
Don’t need to tell yu baby coz its plain for us to see,
Tonighhtttt

To be honest, you’d probably just sleep with someone else.

Girlssss, Im loving them
girls girls girls

Girlsssss, I fuck with them,
They be pinging off my phone telling me they all alone
And they sitting at home while I’m trying to get that dough

This song is now about domesticated housewives, who’d have thought N-Dubz would have matured enough to write “Songs about ironing”?

And thats why they call me the baddest bitch,

Or not…

Coz I switch off the rolls
I’m the one that drives the crazy,
They all wish I was there lady
But I’m earning more than them and they say damn that bitch is lazy
I am the biggest female boss that ever lived,
And everything that yu done I’ve been and did

Ok, so basically we’ve switched to a female perspective, who’s annoyed that people call her lazy, but likes the attention she gets from men because she’s really attractive. The end of the verse claims she’s done everything us men folk have, which I don’t believe is true, I bet she hasn’t even bothered playing Earthbound.

Girlssssss, Im loving them,
But I won’t let them get the best of me
Girlssss, Im loving them,
I get them all around the world

How? I know I’m not one to judge, but I never really took any of the boys of N Dubz as…erm…girl magnets.

What would I do without yu,
What would yu do without me,
Don’t need to tell yu baby coz its plain for us to see,
Tonighhtttt
Girlssss, Im loving them
girls girls girls

Chorus chorus chorus.

When yur girlfriend says she’s on her way,
And yur staring at the clock in frustation thinking why is she so late
I just can’t live without them, they’ll break yur heart no doubt
I’m the reason why she’s never coming back,
Simply can’t leave me around them

Basically, Dappy’s sleeping with your girlfriend. YOUR GIRLFRIEND. YOU. THE LISTENER. And then acts surprised when someone wants to punch him in the face.

Girlsssss, I fuck with them,
Tell em anything they wanna hear so by the end of the night, I’m f-cking them

I’m sure Shakespare dreams he was as poetic as this.

Girlsss, I fuck with them,
And I know they all gassed not like Mariah,
Yu know what I’m in love in with theeeeemmmm!

Someone’s got a rivalry…ah who cares, we’re close to the end.

Girlssssss, Im loving them,
But I won’t let them get the best of me
Girlssss, Im loving them,
I get them all around the world
What would I do without yu,
What would yu do without me,
Don’t need to tell yu baby coz its plain for us to see,
Tonighhtttt
Girlssss, Im loving them
girls girls girls

And now I can go home. This song is bad, the lyrics are terrible and as subtle as a brick to the face, it’s contradictory and about half of the song doesn’t make any sense. Of course, it’s already a hit and we’ll no doubt expect more from them in the future. Way to go, joe public.

Final Fight

Platform: Arcade/SNES/Sega CD

Sometimes even I get bored of talking about Rareware platformers and how great the Nintendo 64 is, so here’s something else for a change. Arcade beat-em-ups were all the rage in the late 80’s and early 90’s, in America and Japan especially, because we only had arcade machines in the cafes at our swimming pools. The obvious one that I could rabbit on about is 1987’s Street Fighter, the idea is that for small fee, you could games that offered insane amounts of violence and start fights between a player and a computer or a player and his friend, without getting electrocuted or getting your face punched in. Street Fighter sold loads and Capcom intended on making a sequel fairly quickly, however, they changed its name and concept after changing the gameplay to a more side scrolling action adventure game, hence why we now have Final Fight.

Final Fight is the timeless story of former wrestler, Mike Haggar who is elected Mayor of Metro City, however fairly quickly a criminal organisation kidnaps his daughter. Enlisting the help of Cody and Guy (if you’re playing the SNES version, like me, Guy is absent) he goes after them HIMSELF, because nothing bad could happen to the mayor whilst taking down a criminal gang, except I don’t know, GETTING KILLED! However, as far as action Mayors go, Haggar is probably the pinnacle, I can’t see Boris Johnson going after terrorist gangs in London, although as this picture demonstrates, it’d be fantastic.

Obviously because this is an arcade game, it’s very simple to pick up and play and the game is just BASH! THWACK! KA-DOOSH! for however long it is or until you die. I found that a playthrough with the 1960’s Batman theme in the background and adding my own sound effects highly entertaining. Yes, whilst just hitting enemies is a bit tiresome, it’s not like the game was designed for long ended play, it’s merely, beating up bad guys, collecting highscores and typing your name as “Ass” on the leaderboard, but is considerably fun and feverishly addictive. I’m sorry this review’s quite short and to the point this week, but that’s because this game is quite short and to the point.

A Christmas card from The Zero

Now pee off so I can play Pokemon Yellow…

Willow Smith – Whip My Hair

6 months ago, I had no idea Will Smith even had a daughter, now she’s everywhere. She’s even been on NME’s cool list and was interviewed by the magazine a few weeks back, giving us the quote of the year “famousness is awesomeness, but some parts of famousness can be hardousness” Oh, did I mention she’s 10 years old? Whilst that quote sounds kind of cute, her debut single is anything but; ladies and gentlemen. I present; Whip My Hair. This is not going to be easyousness.

I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth

Ok, so we start with the chorus, I hope you like this line because…well…there’s a lot of this. There’s not really much to explain here, it’s just basically hair whipping…back and forth…what?

Hop up out the bed turn my swag on
Aint no sense listining to them haters cuz we whip em off
And we aint doing nothing wrong
So dont tell me nothing, i’m just tryna have fun
So keep the party jumping

Haters? Swag on? SHE’S 10 YEARS OLD. 10 year olds shouldn’t be talking like a gang member in downtown LA. Basically, I think here, the author is trying to ignore people who don’t like what she’s doing, because she’s not doing anything wrong and is trying to have some fun and keep the party jumping. Obviously, I assume she’s referring to a game of pass The parcel.

So whats up (yea)
And i’ll be doing what to do
We turn our back
And we walk over and just shake them off
Shake them off, shake them off,shake them off

I assume this whole line can be literally translated as “ignore their bigoted comments”

Don’t let haters keep me off my grind
Keep my head up and I know i’ll be fine
Keep fighting until I (yea)
Am down and I feel like giving up

Wha…grind…isn’t that like a gyration based dance move often performed with a member of the opposite sex in a club? Urban dictionary gives the definition as the following;
“1. When a drug dealer is running around town buying/selling drugs. “Hey, I cant go right now, im on the grind.” Well, that’s disturbing…

You know what, when I started writing this piece, I was thinking this was just an annoying pop song from someone whose basically mostly famous because her family is incredibly well connected, but actually reading these lyrics, it does come across as a “Be true to yourself, don’t let what anyone says bring you down” and it’s kind of refreshing in this day and age.

I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)

Ok, forget I said anything remotely positive.

I’m going get more shine than a little bit
Soon as I hit the stage applause iam hearing it
Weather its black stars black cars iam feeling it
But no other do it like I do
I, I gets it in hmmm yea I go hard
When they see me pull up I whip it real hard
I whip it real hard,real hard,i whip it real hard
Don’t let haters keep me off my grind
Keep my head up and I know i’ll be fine
Keep fighting until I (yea)
Am down and I feel like giving up

Genericlyricsaboutdancing#40388430201

I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth

I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)

I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)

I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (ok, ok just whip my hair)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (ok, ok just whip my hair)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (ok, ok just whip my hair)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth

24 times. The chorus was repeated 24 times in that last section. I’m all for catchy choruses, but this is overkill. I don’t really know why she’s so keen on whipping her hair back and forth, I tried it whilst writing this and it hurt my neck.

Ladies if you feel me
Do it do it whip your hair
Dont’ matter if its long, short
Do it do it whip your hair

YEAH! FEMALE EMPOWERMENT!

Ladies if you feel me
Come on do it do it whip your hair
Dont’ matter if its long, short
Do it do it whip your hair (your hair, your hair)

YEAH! FEMALE EMPOW…wait…

I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip my hair)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip my hair)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip my hair)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)

Oh for…

I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)

And I end this in tears with the chorus reverberating in my head not unlike the aftershock of smacking my head against a brick wall, coincidently listening to this song and hitting my head against cemented mortar have both left me crying with a headache. It’s just so repetitive. It’s just so repetitive. It’s just so repetitive. It’s just so repetitive. It’s just so repetitive. It’s just so repetitive. It’s just so repetitive. It’s just so repetitive. It’s just so repetitive. It’s just so repetitive. There’s some nice lyrics in there about just being yourself and to ignore haters (they’re gonna hate) which are nice and considering the vocalist, it does send a good message to children, but it’s lost under an annoying chorus, which I might have mentioned is repetitive, so no-one will think twice about it.

Top 9 Winter Levels

This is kind of a special christmas edition of Nostalgia 64 and as such, I’m giving The Zero a week off and locked him in the basement with about 4 games to play so he can moan about them next week. Snow levels aren’t dis-similar to water levels in that developers think we all like them and as it turns out, we don’t. The ice makes us slip and slide to repeated deaths and any enthusiasm that the upbeat seasonal music gives us is drowned out by horror and cursing, of course some games through fantastic design, mostly manage to keep us entertained despite that, so lets take a look at some of the best.

White Land 2 – F Zero X

I’m not going to lie, this is only very tenuously Winter themed, the track’s suspended above the ground and there’s only a vague white fog, so why’s it on my list? Because the tracks a halfpipe, a sweeping, swerving, devilishly evil half-pipe racing track. Also, it’s F Zero, how can you dislike F Zero?

Frappe Snowland – Mario Kart 64

Whilst on the surface, this level comes across quite tame. It’s snowy atmosphere, giant Mario ice statue and ice chasm still look pretty awesome 13 years later. Also, EXPLOSING SNOWMEN! Anyone who doesn’t understand the hilarity of exploding snowmen can get out right now.

Shiver Star Level 1 – Kirby 64

Snow? Check. Big snowman boss? Check. Ice lakes? Check. Going down a big hill on a tabogan/dinghy thingy? Awww yeah…

Shiver Region – Paper Mario

The Shiver Region in Paper Mario is quite far into the game and sadly at the point where the game can, for some people, feel like it’s beginning to drag. It’s shame they won’t take in this level because it’s so perfect with Paper Mario’s storybook style, wether it’s wandering in the snow, helping the penguins with a murder mystery (No seriously!) or getting lost in the fantastic looking Ice Palace, it takes full advantage of the games charm and just takes it to another level.

World 5 – Yoshi’s Island

A fight on the moon is the main boss battle, that’s pretty cool, but just the tip of the iceberg here. There’s ski-lifts, big down hill ski’s and some genuinely challenging levels, plus the SNES’ mode 7 graphics make the weather effects look gorgeous.

Snowhead – Majora’s Mask

Whilst other Snow levels are more joyful, this is the opposite. The Gorons are freezing to death and their tribe hero has already died, the music eerie and you get an atmospheric sense of dread throughout. But not having those would ruin the feel of the game, the area still feels enjoyable to explore, devilishly hard to navigate and the dungeon has one of the most fun Zelda bosses of all time in the form of Goht.

 

Walrus Cove – Diddy Kong Racing

Remember earlier in the countdown when I said that White Land was a kick ass track, but only vaguely wintery, well this IS very wintery and kicks ass. Why? There’s a BIG LOOP THE LOOP 5 seconds into the track, which is just awesome in every way. Also, the music’s Christmassy and there’s jelly ice for some reason.

Ice Cap Zone – Sonic 3

Sonic’s first foray into the winter level, complete with great music, slippy slidey icey…stuff, fantastic layered areas and speed powered platformers, utterly bonkers and breathtaking at once. Ice Climber The game is called Ice Climber. What more do you need? It’s all about climbing snowy mountains whilst fighting off polar bears and weird bird mammal thingys, it doesn’t really get much more wintery.

Freezeezy Peak – Banjo Kazooie

What else was it going to be? A perfect Christmas music score, snow and ice everywhere, polar bears, Christmas presents and a big frack off Christmas tree. The levels fairly big, but still feels small and intimate. There’s a giant snowman in the middle that you can climb up and sled down and smaller snowmen, known as Sir Slush who hurl snowballs at you like the snowball fight from hell. And to add to this, there’s even a couple of little snowtopped cottages, Whilst you can’t enter them, just their appearance warrants a mention because they just look like something out of a Christmas card. In fact, the whole level does and that’s why it’s number 1.