2009 began on a wave of optimism and hope. Barack Obama was sworn in as the president of the United States and Slumdog Millionaire won Best film at the Golden Globe awards, it was almost enough to let us forget that we were still in recession…until Iceland’s banking system broke down…shit.
In film, we were treated to re-releases of The Dark Knight (yay) and terrible “comedy” movies, such as Bride Wars, which really should have made the Academy look at Anne Hathaways nomination for another movie and go…no.
Meanhwile in the ever lovely world of popular music, Beyonce released Single Ladies, a catchy, quite brilliant tune that suddenly became massive, the video of which spawned hundreds of imitators. Most noticably this clown.
Whilst Bruce Springsteen did what everyone else in America was doing and sucked up to the President with his new album “Working On A Dream”
On the telly, Celebrity Big Brother returned, bringing a couple of glamour models who no-one knows, a former member of the Sugababes and Verne Troyer, who unfortunately seemed to only be there as a zoo attraction. Johnathon Ross returned to work after that phone call and managed within the space of 10 minutes makes Tom Cruise like an even bigger douche than he was.
Feburary is a chilly, dull month and the world knew this, by making sure nothing good happened. Australia pretty much caught fire, The Jonas Bros 3D Concert Experience was released and was immediately recalled for being mad eof pure shit and Pop singer Rihanna is domestiaclly abused by her boyfriend, the R&B singer, Chris Brown. What a lovely month, eh?
Fast forward to March and Musics second favourite singing mental patient Britney Spears releases a single called If You Seek Amy and gets into trouble because everyone realises the song is titled F.U.C.K ME. Of course, she probably didn’t know this either…and on the subject of intelligence, University Challenge got in trouble this month after one of my hometown teams “Corpus Christ College, Oxford” was disqualified after one of the contestants was found to have already graduated. Manchester were given the title as winners as a result. Paxman didn’t change his emotions one bit.
In April, for some reason we all became fixated on Britain’s most premier freakshow Britain’s Got Talent. We had Piers Morgan, a slimy git. Amanda Holden, whose apparently an actress…I didn’t know either…who is incapable of anything but laughing and crying and everyone’s favourite asshole, Simon Cowell. Of course, we all know where this is going, blah-blah-blah, Susan Boyle comes along and surprises everyone, because she’s ugly and she’s talented, what are the odds blah-blah-blah MOVING ON!
North Korea announced it has initiated a second succesful nuclear test in May and just like that we all thought were going to die…again…on the plus side, at least we wouldn’t had to suffer through another series of X Factor.
The world was put on hold in June after Frrah Fawcett lost her battle to cancer, everyone was sad for about 5 minutes when suddenly, this man decided to die…
In a similar way to Jade Goody earlier in the year, it was as if everyone forgot about the weirdness and the child molesting charges and focused on the music for the first time in 10 years. Also coincedentally, he died just before going back on tour again…any excuse, eh, Michael?
July now and once again, all anyone cared about was Michael Jackson, more news coverage than on the Government, a live seance with Derek Acorah and a takeover on the music channels. Man In The Mirror became the most played song ever (a more fitting song would have been Earth Song, but then everyone knew it was rubbish) Finally, after former contestant Alesha Dixon is announced as a judge on Stricly Come Dancing, the public claims a witch hunt against “Ageist BBC” Just afterwards, Jeremy Paxman was replaced by a 2 year old on Newsnight. It was a lot better after that…
Because no-one was watching it Channel 4 announced next years series of Big Brother would be the last in August, meanwhile Oasis split up after 10 years about 8 not so great albums, Liam Gallagher makes a dumb move and goes into fashion, despite having the style of a piece of cheese.
In September, everyone’s new favourite douchebag Kanye West decided to suck up to his new best friend Jay Z and interrup 19 year old Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech by telling her she didn’t deserve it and that Beyonce should have won. Wow Kanye, you really know how to impress a woman don’t you?
In October was the infamous Question Time featuring BNP leader Nick Griffin, who decided to make everyone hate him even more. Let’s face it, it was as close as a witch hunt as TV allows these days. I half expected him to get taken a big Wicker man at the end.
November came along and all everyone gave a crap about was the X Factor, or more specifically John And Edward, the modern day equivalent of PJ and Duncan. These two identical twins managed to make a panto out of an already stupid theatrical show (the judges reaction is pretty forced…)
December, however, brightened up with news that Britain maybe out of the recession, followed by everyone denying it and JoeMcwhatsisface makes an abortion of a Miley Cyrus track and is beaten to the Christmas no 1 slot by 4 angry Americans. I want that on an Xmas compilation between Wham and Slade….